Non-Monogamous Relationships – Research Worth Sharing!
While researching the topic LGBTQ Relationships I stumbled a collection of brilliant pieces of writing/research.
I’m sharing this with you and encourage you to visit https://www.thecouplesstudy.com. Enjoy them — whey offer wonderful insight!
Lessons from Long-Term Male Couples in Non-Monogamous Relationships
Although non-monogamous relationships are very common in the gay community, little research has been conducted and information about how couples navigate this terrain is surprisingly lacking As a long-term couple (34 years), this was a journey we had taken together, without a roadmap The lessons we learned along the way were often hard-earned and we found ourselves wondering how others dealt with this How common or peculiar was our experience? Were there models we hadn’t considered? What worked or didn’t work for others.
Access Full Study .pdf Beyond monogamy Spears and Lanz Lowen, Copyright 2010
Creating Healthy Open Relationships
This is a follow-up article to the original study offering suggestions on:
- Honoring differences
- Addressing Conflict
- Building Trust
- Managing Jealousy
You can download this article here – Creating Healthy Open Relationships Lanz Lowen and Blake Spears
Prevalence of Non-Monogamy
- Most research shows that approximately two-thirds of long-term male couples who have been together for five years or more are honestly non-monogamous (Shernoff,LCSW, 2007).
- The prevalence of non-monogamy in gay male relationships became widely known as the result of the ground-breaking book, The Male Couple, David McWhirter,M.D. and Andre Mattison,PhD., 1984. Based on interviews of 156 long-term couples, they found that after 5 years, all of the couples had incorporated some provision for outside sexual activity.
- Since the AIDS pandemic, four studies have found that gay men have not become more monogamous out of fear of HIV (Crawford, Rodden, Kippax & Van de Ven, 2001; Davidovich, et.al., 2001; Halkitis, Zade, Shrem & Marmor, 2004; LaSala, 2005).
- Four studies document that only one third of male couples are sexually exclusive (Advocate Sex Poll, 2002; Bryant & Demian, 1994; LaSala,2004; Wagner, Remien& Carballo-Dieguez,2000).
- One study contradicts these. 70% of men in male couples reported being monogamous and would view any outside sex as betrayal of commitment (Campbell,2000).
- Multiple studies have found no significant differences in relationship quality or satisfaction between samples of sexually exclusive and non-exclusive male couples (Blasband & Peplau,1985; LaSala,2004,2005; Wagner,et.al.,2000).
- Two studies found that both monogamous and self-described ‘open’ male couples demonstrated higher levels of relationship quality and lower levels of psychological distress compared with couples who had not negotiated nonmonogamy but reported covert outside sexual activity (Wagner, et.al,2000; LaSala, 2004).
- Tangentially, a study on heterosexual relationships found that 24% of married men and 22% of married women had sex outside their marriages even though their spouse believed the relationship was sexually exclusive (Blumstein & Schwartz, 1983). (Of course,these numbers may have decreased as a result of the recent emphasis on family values). J – Excerpted from Negotiated Nonmonogamy and Male Couples, Michael Shernoff, LCSW, 2006
I encourage you to check out the original source link to the following findings. I have reposted them here as a secure [B5l] Lesson (meaning no public access) so please do NOT forward unless you give full attribution to the original authors. I’ve posted here because one never knows when an original source will disappear from the web. Much of the content here can be used as reference and quotes for other writing pieces — giving full attribution.
Lessons from Long-Term Male Couples in Non-Monogamous Relationships Statistical Overview
86 non-monogamous, long-term (8+ years), gay male couples participated. Each partner was interviewed separately using a consistent set of questions.
Participants were recruited by word of mouth and at gay events, which led to a population that was predominately professional, white Americans. The authors had no trouble finding long-term couples (couples were together an average of 16.2 years), but getting couples to actually participate proved difficult. Consequently, the study reflects the views of couples secure enough to openly discuss their relationship and the way they handle non-monogamy. This clearly skews results, but seems appropriate since the study was aimed at discovering what works.
An overview of statistical results are presented below. However, the real meat of the study is the verbatim quotes which are woven throughout the comprehensive study summary. We strongly encourage you to look at the full report to get a much richer appreciation of what is merely headlined here. Download the PDF file
Impact of Non-monogamy on the Relationship
- 75% of participants described solely positive impact. 21% described both positive and negative impact, with the positive aspects out-weighing the negatives. 4% described primarily negative impact.
- 78% offered that being ‘open’ gave them a sexual outlet without having to lie or hide their actions. Participants reported it strengthened and helped relationships survive by providing honest options and minimizing deceit, tension, and resentment.
- In addition to providing a sexual outlet, non-monogamy enriched and deepened relationships in the following ways:
Beneficial Impact – Key Themes
(percent of all study participants naming this as a significant impact)
78% – Sanctioned Sexual Outlet
48% – Stimulates Our Sex Life, e.g. titillating, energizing
40% – Different Needs Met
34% – Brought Friends, New Experiences into relationship
33% – Encourages & Reinforces Honesty
27% – Provides Variety, Sense of Freedom
26% – Brought Perspective & Greater Appreciation
24% – Encouraged Sexual Growth (expertise, repertoire, awareness)
23% – Increased Intimacy & Commitment
20% – Encouraged Personal Growth
15% – Wouldn’t Be Together Without It
Opening the Relationship
- 40% of study couples had opened their relationship from the outset. Couples not open within the first year, took an average of 6.5 years to open their relationship.
- When couples described the degree to which their relationship is currently open (on a 1-10 scale), there was little difference between couples who were open from the outset and couples who opened their relationship much later.
Characteristic Look of a Couple’s Approach
- Three key variables seemed to most define the ‘characteristic look’ of a couple’s approach to monogamy:
- Whether outside sex was conducted jointly, independently, or both
- The degree to which partners disclosed information and integrated experiences back into the relationship, and
- The amount of connection and involvement with outsiders that was sought & permitted
Study Couples: Joint vs. Independent
- 32% – of study couples chose to play independently (28 couples out of 86)
- 12% – of study couples chose to only play together (10 couples)
- 56% – of study couples chose to play together AND separately (48 couples)
- 31% – of the couples that did both, primarily played together and only occasionally played independently
Disclosure & Integration
- Of the couples who played independently,
- 40% routinely disclosed the details
- 40% had varying degrees of disclosure (reported but no details, offered if questioned, depended on situation)
- 20% had a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ norm re: disclosure
- 35% described using the details to juice their own sex lives together; 20% reported bringing back new sexual techniques and greater expertise
Connection & Involvement
- 34% – of study couples generally had anonymous outside sex
- 66% – allowed and often preferred some type of connection
- 40% – typically had fuck buddies and/or friends with benefits
- 20% – had deeper connections – more than friends, but secondary to partner (includes ‘above board’ affairs and couples who take on temporary ‘boys’)
- 6% – have emotional commitments (triads, polyamorous families)
- One of the most striking study findings was the large percentage of couples (35%) where one partner preferred anonymous sex, while the other only enjoyed sex with friends or people with whom he felt connected. These couples learned how to accommodate both partners, but 20% found this difference to be challenging or a source of tension.
- 75% of study couples had rules or norms that precluded or limited involvement. However, within this group 15% reported experiences of having gone ‘too far’ and needing to pull back.
Rules & Norms
- We found that having explicit rules was much less prevalent than what is presumed in the literature. Only 32% of study couples relied on rules. However, 43% described having at least a few norms – spoken or unspoken, that provided a framework from which to operate.
- Many couples reported their rules evolved or became unnecessary over time.
- Honesty was seen as foundational. Other common norms were around limiting involvement, practicing safe sex, and being considerate/courteous.
Most Commonly Mentioned Difficulties
- 21% – Jealousy (markedly less than what is often assumed in the research)
- 20% – Getting too emotionally involved
- 20% – “Nothing has been difficult.”
- Communicating openly and honestly was mentioned by 65% of participants. Communication was a skill that couples learned over time. Being honest was an on-going practice. Both were seen as critical to success and had positive impact on other aspects of the couple’s relationship.
- Trusting each other and/or the relationship was helpful to 52%. Interestingly, trust was seen as both an action and an outcome. As partners proved trustworthy, trust grew and deepened.
- Other helpers included: reassurance & appreciation, respecting differences, learning to deal with jealousy and utilizing support from therapists or mentors.
Couples’ Own Sex Lives
- An important finding was the number of couples (15%) who no longer have sex together, but are affectionate, loving and totally committed to each other. For these couples, sex was seen as rather inconsequential in comparison to their relationship and the life they had built together. Another 10% of study couples described their own sex as waning or infrequent. These couples were adjusting to the loss but didn’t see their lack of sex as a threat to the relationship continuing.
- Equally important was the finding that 75% of study couples still have vibrant sex lives together. This is after an average of 15.3 years together. 30% of this group expressed concerns about keeping it alive and saw outside sex as a helpful contributor.
The study illustrates and validates the experience many couples are having with non-monogamy. Further research is definitely warranted to describe the similarities and differences due to age, race/ethnicity, class and geography. We hope this study will open the door to more candid discussions of responsible non-monogamous relationships in all their various forms.
Copyright 2010. Blake Spears & Lanz Lowen
- The New Monogamists – Out.com1/15/14
- Many gay couples negotiate open relationships San Francisco – Chronicle 7/16/2010
- Beyond Monogamy: Lessons From Long-Term, Non-Monogamous Male Couples – The Body 6/22/10
- Long-Term Non-Monogamous Male Couples – San Francisco Bay Times 3/4/10
- Long Term Open Relationships – A New Survey San Francisco Bay Times 11/15/07
- Wedding Bell Blues: Study examines non-monogamous gay male relationships – Bay Area Reporter 4/29/10
- What’s Monogamy Got to Do With Marriage? – The Body 6/25/13
- Master Bedroom – Extra Closet – the truth about gay marriage – By Steven Thrasher 6/19/13
- When Gay Couples Get Married, Are They Monogamous? – by Melanie Berliet 3/11/13
- Does Marriage Imply Monogamy? – Bay Area Reporter 8/21/08
Interesting eh! — Dan Trepanier
Non-Monogamous Relationships - Research Worth Sharing!
The following content might provide you with lot of gag-worthy insight. Everyone is experimenting in love, but is anyone doing serious study of love? The answer is in front of you.
I thought it is important to share this brilliant study because you can learn a lot - from what is the prevalence of non-monogamy to what it takes to create a healthy open relationship. If sharing is caring, does that also apply to relationships? Read this and find out. And don’t forget to share.
According to The Couples Study
(Source and credit for the info and resources below http://www.thecouplesstudy.com)
We’ve just completed a second study looking at Younger Gay Men’s Perspectives on Monogamy, Non-Monogamy and Marriage.You can download this new study, our previous study, or the follow-up article, by clicking on any of the links below.
Younger Gay Men’s Perspectives on Monogamy, Non-monogamy and Marriage
The quantitative part of this study consists of 242 single gay men, 290 monogamous couples and 127 non-monogamous couples. The qualitative segment contains verbatim comments from 161 monogamous couples, 16 non-monogamous couples, and 45 ‘monogamish’ couples. This comprehensive study shares statistical findings, verbatim comments and offers profiles of both monogamous and non-monogamous couples.
- Click here to download a free copy Younger Gay Men’s Perspectives on Monogamy, Non-monogamy and Marriage
Lessons from Long-Term Male Couples in Non-Monogamous Relationships
This is a qualitative study based on in-depth interviews with 86 long-term non-monogamous male couples. The study describes these couples’ approach to non-monogamy and what they’ve learned along the way (couples had to have been together at least 8 years). They share when/how they opened their relationship, as well as the rules, benefits, and challenges of being non-monogamous. Both partners were interviewed in each relationship and multiple couples are profiled.
- Click here to download a free copy - Lessons from Long-Term Male Couples in Non-Monogamous Relationships
Creating Healthy Open Relationships
This is a follow-up article to the original study on non-monogamy, offering suggestions on: Managing Jealousy; Addressing Conflict; and Building Trust.
If you would like a hard copy of both studies and the follow-up article (as a bound compendium), you can order:
Choices: Perspectives of Gay Men on Monogamy, Non-monogamy and Marriage
PLEASE NOTE: We recognize that by posting this study and maintaining this site we run the very real risk that the ‘Religious Right’ can use this information to further their efforts to fuel fear and deny LGBT’s the right to marry. And on a personal level, given we’re both independent professionals, we realize by being so open, we’re putting our incomes and livelihoods at stake. On the other hand, we know the tyranny that comes with trying to present our relationships and our community in a singular light and the cost of hiding important aspects of ourselves as individuals. As responsible individuals and responsible community members, we think the importance of providing accurate, honest portrayals of who we are, the relationships we’ve created, and what couples have found to work is worthy of taking that risk.