Coming OUT To Family And Friends Can Be The Scariest Thing You’ll Ever Do
The fear of rejection from the people you love. The possibility of emotional, and physical harm to you can be paralyzing. Coming OUT To Family And Friends Can Be The Scariest Thing You’ll Ever Do
You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re being yourself as the creator created you. Regardless of your beliefs there is a natural part of you that thinks you will be punished or reject by society with dire consequences.
It’s normal for your survival instinct to kick in. Sadly for some people they deny their sexuality and choose to live a double life. — Never really finding that inner piece. Inner piece is a fundamental human right and critical to you’re development as a human being.
The sense of shame, embarrassment, fear, rejection, hurt and loss can be overwhelming. So what do you do to overcome this dilemma?
There’s never a good time to come out. It’s like pulling a sticky bandage off a hairy arm. At some point you have to do it and for a brief while it’s going to hurt like hell.
For many people all the negativity and fear they perceived prior to coming out is mainly in their head.
I came out to my mother when I was 23, shortly after my father passed away from pancreatic cancer.
She took my gay news rather hard. Born Roman Catholic mom simply did not understand what being gay meant except for societies negative stereotypes. She was full of pre-conceived notions and guilt. Where did we go wrong as parents, how we tell others. She thought being gay was a voluntary life choice.
Mom did not speak to me for weeks afterwards and that alone was painful. In retrospect I realized that she was not rejecting me as her gay son. She just need time to make sense of it all in her mind and heart. Deep down I knew she would come around and she eventually did. Through dialogue, seeking advice from others and the acceptance that I was basically the same guy I always was and wanted the same thing her other children did.
It took several years to make complete peace with having a gay son, but then she became my biggest fan. So proud of me. Too proud at times. Mom would introduce me the neighbours in her building as … This is my gay son Danny—— lol. She would refer to my partner as ‘his special friend’.
In here own way she wanted to tell people I was unique and special but that I was also her son and that she accepted and loved me. She was fiercely protective of her children as any good parent would be — but make no mistake … coming out to my family was one of the hardest things I ever did. TodayIn my mid 50’s I look back and laugh at the silliness of it all…
Over the decades as friends and clients tell me of their Th.own coming out story they’ve I’ve heard everything from ‘we love you just the same if not more, to we were wondering when you were going to tell us’ ….. to get the fuck out of my house you pervert you are not my son— whack across the head!
Your cultural background, religious belief and geographic location are big factors that influence how the people in your life will react your coming out.
The issue of dealing with ones sexual orientation is a complex one, never ending, always evolving process. Your life experiences are as varied as the 7.5 Billion people on the planet.
Unfortunately for most of us is an even higher negative price you pay for not coming out. A life of never knowing intimate love or authenticity as a human. A broken spirit. A denied opportunity to express your love and joy towards another person!
I am a little bias to coming out. I’ve been out for over 30 years and live in Toronto Canada. One of the most culturally diverse and accepting cities in the world. I’m protected by laws and have spent a lifetime surrounding myself with loving accepting people who see me as equal to them. Its almost as if my sexual orientation is no big deal.
We strive for our sexual orientation to be as normal and a ‘non-issue’ as .. ‘please pass the salt’ at the dinner table.
Still… I have a profound sense of empathy, respect and admiration for my fellow brothers on the same journey as so many of us face.
I’m keenly aware that being gay, lesbian, bi-sexual or transgendered is not safe or easy for tens of millions of us around the world.
If you use the 10% rule — an estimate of what percentage of the human race is LGBTQ. Of the 7.5 Billion humans globally we represent around 750 million ‘non-heterosexuals’
There is no one standard answer or solution to dealing with sexual orientation. How you deal your orientation is a deeply personal issue.
Life is about facing many ups and downs along our journey to happiness and freedom. To living live on our own terms the way God created us is a very subjective interpretation of reality.
It starts with learning to love and accept yourself as the wonderful human creature and soul you are! All aspects of you …. your flaws and your gifts.
Personally I think being Gay is a wonderful gift. I would not change my life or lifestyle for all the money in the world. I am at piece with me…. Dan Trepanier! I live the #ProudLife. I am all I know or will ever know.
On a most basic level you do what it takes to be safe physically and emotionally. This is a cardinal rule to live by. In this regard timing is everything. The irony is that there’s never a good time to come out. Having a back up plan and supports to ensure your basic needs are met is critical.
In the 80’s I reached a boiling point and just blurted it out to my mother over the phone after not coming home for a few days. I met someone at my brothers wedding, had amazing and wild sex wit him and totally upstaged my by coming out to my family that weekend. I’ve often said that if you are going to walk on thin ice you may as well dance — eh!
Times have changed and believe it or not there are scores of supports out there for LGBTQ people. Decent, compassionate strangers who are your ally’s and believe in doing the right thing to help another person in need. — You must seek those people out and believe they will come to you at the right time in the right way. Hidden angels in the back and foreground. People and community agencies easily acceptable in todays connected world. Take advantage of these resources and ask for help!
You’re lucky because today we have social media and lots of ways to connect with others.
Some would say young people today have easily act like kids in a candy store when it comes access to sex. Social media does have its superficial shortcomings but remember you are always in control.
You build and find your own tribe and should not be afraid to express your thoughts and feelings in an honest and direct way.
In fact social media makes it easier to talk to a stranger about your issue way before you come out to family, friends or co- workers.
I have been out for over 35 years and there are still people who don’t know — and will never know because my orientation is a mute point in their lives.
Who I choose to love (or not) is my business not yours! I gave over the need to get on a rooftop and tell the world, a long time ago.
And by the way….if you don’t believe in gay marriage then don’t marry a gay person. You marry who you want and don’t tell me to marry who I want.
Be humble about your sexual orientation. Theres no need to get all radical and in peoples face about it.
— although my partner do love to give each other a friends kiss at an intersection in front of a bus full of tourists. Just to stir up the pot a little bit.
I still feel a bit awaked with spontaneous displays of public affection. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that but then thats ok.
My advice to you is to;
- Just take one day at a time and know that you’re always evolving as is society. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.
- You create your own reality in your own time! But you have to start somewhere…. staying idle will hinder your sense of significance, contribution, belonging, connection and personal growth.
- For now I say just connect with someone who understands…. anyone!
Join our SECRET Facebook group. It’s not a hook up site and only you can solve your problems but we’re a a place where likeminded people can express themselves in an honest and direct way…. to LIVE, LOVE, LEARN the #ProudLife on their OWN TERMS!
With lots of love and affection.
Dan the Man